Drowning in Sorrow
by YaoiloverXD
Summary: Everyone knows that your loved ones will die one day, but Ichigo never thought that it would happen to his mom, nor did he think that his dad would turn on him and do a complete 180 personality. Will he be saved before he decides that life is not worth living anymore? Grimmichi I have fixed chapter 1,2,3,4,5 so far
1. the day before

**Hi everyone here is a new story that I hope that you will like it.**

**Fixed- 6/26/2015**

**Edited- 8/1/2016**

**Thank you to my beta reader theshadowofafool**

**Warning: Angst, OOC, self harm, abuse, and other things**

**Chapter 1 The day before**

The day was August 11th, and turns out, it was the day before my whole life changed. It started out as a weird day only to turn weirder and weirder as the day went on. It could have been a warning from god about my impending doom. At the time I thought nothing of it, but now that I am at her funeral I think over what had happened within the past week.

The day started out weird like I had said, I was sleeping far later than usual. I usually wake up at seven on school days and on the weekend about nine. My father also had days off on the weekend so most of the time he lets me sleep, instead of waking me up with one of his "loving fatherly kicks" he would let me sleep while ,he too, got some rest.

So when I slept until one in the afternoon, it was scary. So scary that Yuzu thought that I was dead. Funny now that I think about it, she thought that I was dead only for someone to show up dead the next day. She told me that dad had gone to work and that he even did his "loving fatherly kick" but I still did not wake up. She even tried to wake me several times. She told me that I was even breathing very shallow. To make sure that I was not indeed dead she started to shake my arm, to try and get a reaction out of me, or even to see if it would wake me up. She stopped doing that once I moved my hand a little bit. She was relieved to find that I was, in fact, alive and not dead.

Other odd occurrences were that my hair, that usually stays in natural spikes and gets even spikier in the morning,today had flat patching in it, to the point that it looked like I had a pair of mini pigtails in my hair. I decided to shower to get my hair back to normal when brushing it did not work.

I remember talking to Yuzu. We were talking about the normal, little, things that we talked about every day. She told me that lunch was done and that dad left the chores we had to do before our mom got home. He and our mom got sick of telling us a bunch of stuff only for us to forget about them ten minutes later and to get into trouble with our mom.

We loved her, but when she got drunk she turned mean. It got to the point that our dad got us both locks for our rooms. It was only on Mondays that she would drink now, before she would drink three to four times a week. Our father told her that if she wanted to see Karin more often then she was going to have to bring down how much she drank.

Karin is my half sister and she's a year older then me, making her 16 going on 17. She is going to be 17 in September. She is a good sister, but her father (from a one night stand) has her living with him most of the time. Both Yuzu and I could tell that Mom loved Karin more than the both of us. We tried not to show it but it really bothered us a lot.

Getting back to that day, I told Yuzu that I wasn't hungry. She said that she was worried because I hardly eat anymore. She asked if I was OK and I told her I was, and that I was eating just fine. I remember the conversation that happened next down to a T.

"I will let it go for now but…" she had bitten her lip in trepidation before continuing with ,"I really am going to tell dad if you do not stop cutting yourself." She had said this as she glared at my wrist. I knew that I should have stopped but I was stressed.

Our mom had been getting more and more angry every time she got drunk. It was stressing and getting scary. She always told me that I was nothing, and that I failed everything I did. That everything I did was never better or even as good as what my sisters had done. I always knew that she didn't mean what she said, that it was the booze talking for her. I knew that she loved me and that she never thought that I was nothing. I knew all these things but that did not mean that it didn't hurt.

After she said that I had pulled my green hoodie sleeve down in effort to hide the evidence from her prying eyes. It felt like she was trying to see into my very soul.

She then told me how she knew that I was stressed about our mom drinking but she did not even get a fraction of the negative attention that I did. I never told anyone about it all. I would feel like I was betraying her. I even knew why she drank most of the time. Karin does not come over very often, and this upsets her.

I then told her that it was better than if I bit my hands, then last time I did was when we went on a vacation and she got drunk, she ended up pushing Yuzu. Karin finally got to see what we went through every week. I did not want to wish it on her but I feel like she needed to know what was going on.

Our mom had started on one of her rants and went to Karin and started to ask her why she did not love her enough to even spend more time with her. I was starting to shake I was so pissed. I was starting to lose my temper and I did not want to hit my mom. So I bit my hand as hard as I could. I bit so hard I was bleeding and there was a nasty bruise for three weeks after.

I told her that I would try, but with Shiro I never knew what to do. I did not want to hurt my mom and if I got past a certain point in anger I would not be in control of my body anymore. Instead it would be Shiro. I did not want him to hurt Mom so I decided to cut and let loose some of the stress and anger. It helped.

Even if it helped me I knew that it worried her, and I didn't want to add yet another thing to her list of things that she stressed about. There was already our mom's drinking, and our sister never coming over and pretending to be happy. Now there was Shiro and me on that list too. I knew that it killed her inside when I cut, so I try to not show her. I have done it a lot but she only knows of two times, well, three now.

I decided that we had better get our chores done before our mom got home from her job. I knew that it was going to take time to clean since our mom was very particular about the way the house had to be cleaned.

We had finished our chores right in time for our mom to get home. We greeted her and were surprised that she was not drunker than she was at the moment. Usually on Monday's she would have a couple beers and about a pint of whiskey in her system. It was weird but this did happen sometimes and she would sometimes hide the alcohol and drink it through the night. We did not want this to happen and end up being in the crossfire so we when into our rooms and played on our computers for the rest of the night. At least that is what Yuzu did.

When I heard loud snoring I knew that our mom was asleep so I went out into the living room to see how our dad was doing. He said that she was asleep. The weird thing that happened was that she had an intelligent conversation with dad.

The only thing that made me sure that she loved us even when she was drunk was that she never hit us. No matter what.

We were happy that she went to sleep earlier than normal, we thought nothing of this at the time. I think it was because it was a break from the usual trying Monday nights.

Little did we all know was that this was the last time we would see her alive.

Thank you for reading this and please tell me what you thought.

I am going to be redoing a lot of this story making it better. I will try to do a chapter a day.

Please vote on my poll.

See you next time.


	2. Drowning

**Hi everyone here is the next chapter like promised. Hope you like it.**

**The text for Shiro is **_this_

**Ichigo talking back to Shiro _is this_**

**Fixed- 6/27/2015**

**Chapter 2 Drowning**

I remember the next morning as well. I woke up to hear that my mom was not snoring anymore. In fact the only thing that I heard was my dad yelling things that I could not make out. I just heard him yelling. I thought that maybe they had gotten into a fight again.

I went out of my room and down stairs to see that my dad was not yelling at my mom for drinking like he sometimes does. He was yelling at my mom to wake up. I knew something was wrong but I tried not to freak out. I knew that I was going to have to stay level headed about this, because as I looked at my dad I could see that he was freaking out and not helping anything.

I walked closer and I saw that he was pounding on her chest, probably to wake her up matched with the fact that she started to make wheezing sounds.

I tried to get him to calm down. I knew that he was not going to be able to handle taking care of her in fear that he might just loss her in his hands.

I remember telling him to stop pounding on her chest and to call an ambulance. I told him that pounding on her chest was not going to help, it was probably just making it worse. I told him that he was in to much emotional distress to take on her medical care. I knew that if I did not tell him the last part he would start to protest. It was not that I did not mistrust my dad's skill as a doctor, it was that I did not want him to end up having her die in his hands when he was working on her.

As my dad was waiting for the ambulance my mom stop wheezing. I remember my dad telling me to check to make sure that she was still breathing. I place a finger under her nose and I thought that she was still breathing. It would have been hard for me to tell because my hands were shaking so much.

I did not realize this at the time, but now that I that I am here at her funeral thinking this over I realized that my hands were shaking. I was really scared. I just did not know what to do. I knew that I was not going to be able to help my father out, but I was trying as hard as I could to try and get him to calm down. It was to the point that I had to pretend that this was not affecting me, but it was so scary. The whole time I felt like I was going to cry.

I remember telling him that she was still breathing. I also remember him telling me that we both should get dressed before the ambulance got here and the worker saw us both in our underwear. The reason that my dad was still in his underwear was because he was going to wake up my mom so she could get ready to get to work, but when he got down there he realize that she was breathing funny so he tried to get her up but she would just not get up. He tried for about ten minutes before I had gotten down there.

After about fifteen minutes with ended up feeling like four hours they finally got to our house. They brought in a stretcher and a portable EKG inside with them.

They got everything in that they needed to take her vitals so they could see what needed to be done. I remember having to run upstairs as fast as I could to get my phone so they could set up the EKG. I got my phone and ran back down stairs and turned on a flashlight app. As soon as I did they took the stickers that is used to hook these things up and turned on the machine. It was then that everything happy ended in my life.

The machine show a constant flat line. She had died. I remember what happened right after with clear details.

My dad fell on the floor crying. I was trying to stay together, but I was very hard. I was a momma's boy as everyone called me, but I did not care about what they said. I still loved her and I admit it, I really am a momma's boy.

My dad started to get hysterical after a little bit. He started to cry and asked for them to revive her but only to be told that it was impossible. To be told that she had been gone for a long time. This did not help my dad at all, in fact it only made it worse. He started to yell at them that they at least had to try and that she was just breathing very loudly on the phone when he called 911.

All of the noise had woke Yuzu and she saw the EKG staying on a flat line along with the fact that our dad was crying on the ground hysterically. I knew that I was going to have to stay strong for her. I cleaned my tears and told her as calmly as I could that our mom had died. It was hard to have to tell her this but I knew that it was better it coming from me then from someone else that was in our house at the moment.

She was crying because our mom had died. I knew that it was hard for her. I pulled her into a hug and cry silent tears. I did not want to worry her.

I knew that I had to stop the tears that I was crying. I knew that I was going to have to be strong for both her and dad. After all I had killed our mom. I am the reason that they could not get married. After all they had to take me to my appointments to help with Shiro, they had finally decided a set date and it was next month. Now because I had forced our dad to take his attention away from our mom she was dead. Then there was the fact that Yuzu will not grow up the rest of her teenage years with a mom. She was only 13. She needs a mom in her life but I took that chance away from her.

I remember all of what happened next with details in conversions.

"This is all my fault." I said out loud. I had not meant to but it happened. This was around the time that our dad joined us in our little hug circle.

"Ichigo it is not your fault at all." He had said this but it did not feel genuine. It felt like he said it for the fact that Yuzu was in our little hug circle, more then anything else.

_That's right this is all your fault Ichigo. You know... I could help you, but for a price of course. I am doing this out of the kindness of my soul. I am doing this ever for a murder. You should consider yourself lucky that I like you, well sort of anyway. _

_**Please just leave me alone. I know that this is all my fault, I know that I am a murder but I just want a little bit of peace. **_

I decided that I could help with some of the hurt but telling them I was sorry.

"Yuzu I am sorry that I kill your only mother, and dad I am sorry that I killed your wife before you got to marry her next month." when I had said this we had to move to another room, which happened to be my room, because they were moving my mom's body out of the house.

My dad then start to say that I should stop blaming myself and that it was his fault because he should of called sooner. Again when he said it something was off. He did not feel like the dad that I grew up with. He might have been annoying but I loved him none the least. This person just felt off. I did not know what but it just felt like that.

_The reason that he sound off is because he is not being genuine. He is only being nice and doing it for the fact that Yuzu is there. What do you expect, she looks just like you mom. So he does not want to upset her. _

_**I know that. You don't need to tell me that. **_

_I knew how you can really help you mom. I know right now you are thinking about killing yourself, but do you really think you should die for killing your own mom?_

_**What is it I can do to help, and you were right. I think that I should have to suffer. If I die it would be of no help, and I need to suffer for taking everything away from my family. **_

_I will tell you want you can do later, when things have calmed down a little and the strangers are out of the house._

_**Why can't I do it right now?**_

_You don't want to get caught and hurt your poor little sister even more then she already has by you killing her mother. Now do you?_

_**No, but why would it hurt her even more then she is already hurting?**_

_Because you are going to be breaking a promise, and if one of those stranger catch you cutting they will take you away from her, and I will be taken away. Which would mean that you would have no one to help you, while you sit in a room and they watch you twenty four seven, is that what you want?_

_**No I don't want that to happen. Please I will do what ever you say will help. I don't want to lose you too. I know that you will at least be there to put up with me. So I will do whatever it is. **_

_First you have to stop taking that medicine that they told you to take. Next you are going to cut yourself with a razor blade and not just that spare piece of broken glass that you found. That will help her rest in peace. You have to do this for as long as I say. Do you understand?_

_**Yes Shiro. I said that I was willing to do anything to help my mom and to make sure I do not have to go to that horrid place you were talking about.**_

_Good, now you need to pay attention to your family and find an opening for this to happen. _

I remember that that was just what I did. I went looking for my family to see where they were and if the stranger were still in the house. Lucky they were. I also had found Yuzu and my dad in the living room watching TV, probably to forget their troubles if it was for only a moment.

I went back up to my room, along the way I stop in the bathroom and took one of my mom's old razors and dismembered it. I took about four or five blade out of the holder, and put on my dresser and put the rest in a box that held old birthday card and other things that were small and needed a place to be held.

I locked my door and then went over to the dresser and made a small shallow cut on my of my veins. As I cut I felt a jolt of electricity go up my spine that made me shiver with pleasure. I do not know why it did but it did.

After I put the razor down I heard Shiro start to talk to me.

_I guess that that is fine for now, remember to do this once a week. I do not want you to do this more then once a week because you might lose too much blood and then have to go to the hospital and then from there they would put you in that place I told you about. _

_**Ok. I have to stop the bleeding with a tissue so it does not get on my white carpets. Also thank you for telling me a way to help my mom rest in peace even if I did kill her.**_

_That is what here for, king._

After that conversion I went over my bed side table where the tissues laid. I grabbed a couple and cleaned up the blood. I went back to the bathroom and got a band-aid for the small wound, while I threw the tissues in the trashcan. If anyone asked I was going to tell them that I had a nose bleed. After I finished I went to check on my dad. I saw him on the phone crying, telling everyone that my mom had died. After he finished making all the calls I saw him get up and go into his room to, what I could only assume, cry.

After I was sure both him and Yuzu were in there rooms, I followed in their steps and went into my room and fell onto my bed where I grabbed all of my blankets and cuddled with Kon, and cried myself to sleep.

**Ok so this is a much longer chapter then I thought it was going to be but I am happy that I did. **

**Please tell me what you thought**

**Please vote on my poll**

**See you next time.**


	3. Change

**Hi everyone sorry for not updating this in forever, but I have to be in the right mood to write this story.**

**Fixed 6/4/16**

**Chapter 3 Change**

Shiro talking{ }

Ichigo talking to Shiro [ ]

I barely remember the next few days that led up to today. All I remember is calling our relatives and telling them about what had happened, listening to how sad they were, and being shut out. The only one who was welcome with open arms was Yuzu. Karin was not allowed to come to the small local family grieving party that we had, she was not even allowed to come to our mother's funeral. It was upsetting that I was not allowed to see my sister but at the same time I did not want her to have to see her mom dead in a box. It was an open casket funeral. It makes me sick to my stomach to think of the tastelessness of it all to have her death put in the paper even though everyone she knew was contacted. People started to show up that I did not know, nor did I think that dad knew who they were either. Another thing that upset me was when someone who I was related to showed up in a colorful outfit and tried to steal all of the attention in the room. It was a funeral of you niece the least she could have done is sit down and not drag the attention away from my mom.

I got so upset at seeing my mom just laying there dead I ended up chocking on a mint and it got stuck. Eventually I threw it up but that was a scary experience. The only person who cared that I was chocking to death was the funeral director.

I found out new things at that party though, turns out that our mom and dad never got married. Which means that everything was not going to go to our dad, but to our oldest sister, but she is not 18 so she is not aloud to have any of the inheritance, it all goes to her father to keep it "safe" for her. That was not even the worse of them not being married, my mother's family is very traditional, so to them Yuzu and me might was well have been picked up off the street one day. My mom had gotten married to Karin's dad so she was a "real" relative of theirs. No matter what my family did it was like we were invisible. My dad had tried to help setup the funeral for my mom and he was just ignored. He tired to tell them that she was not religious but they did not listen and went with a religious ceremony. They did not ask if me and my sister were okay, they just went to all the others in their family and ignored us. They also glared at us when the people who ran the funeral home brought in all the flowers and realized that we did not buy any, not like we could we were kind of poor, and the flowers are expensive.

At least they let my dad put the song that my mom first sang for my dad on their first date. I admit that I cried as they played it. They put the list of songs on replay so I am listening to it yet again. Even though this is the third time I have heard it I still cry.

{ you know you don't deserve to cry. After all you are the one who killed her.}

[I know but I can't help it. I just love and miss her so much]

{I don't think you do king. If you did, why did you have your dad stop pounding on her chest to keep her breathing. Don't even tell me that it would not help your dad to not be able to calm down we both know that is a bunch of bullshit. You could have called the ambulance while your father pounded on her chest to keep her alive. Now I think that when we get home you know what you have to do to help your mom rest easier, but this time you need to cut more because you had the audacity to cry at her funeral when you are the one who killed her in the first place.}

[You are right Shiro, thank you. I don't know what I would do without you.]

I started to get a sick feeling to my stomach, I didn't know if it was from guilt, crying to much, or something else. As I was thinking about this Yuzu and my dad came over to me.

"Ichigo, you and Yuzu can leave when your grandfather is here." he tells me. This is the grandfather on my dad's side of the family, he did not like my mom so he was only going to be here for a little bit and then he was going to leave with me and Yuzu.

"Okay dad, are you sure you are going to be okay here by yourself for the next three hours?" I asked him, because if he was not I would stay here even if my stomach was hurting.

"Yes I am sure I will be fine. Just watch Yuzu, make sure that she is okay." He said with little worry of how I felt.

"Don't worry dad." I told him.

{King you shouldn't feel bad that your father does not care about you or how you feel. It was your fault. He knows it, you know it, so stop feeling pity for yourself.}

[I know but I just can't help it.]

{You better start because if you don't you dad is not going to put up with your crying and self pity much longer.}

[I know that Shiro, I am trying but I will try even harder now.]

{Good to hear King.}

[… Hey Shiro, do you hate me too?]

{Don't worry king I will never hate you, no matter what. I will always be there to protect you from everyone and even yourself.}

[Thank you Shiro.]

That was when I saw my grandfather from across the room. He had on a suit and tie. Even though that is what you would think everyone would be wearing, most people were not. They were wearing casual clothes, at least that went for the majority of the people there.

I went over to Yuzu to tell her to get ready. She got here stuff and waited for our grandfather to say to go to his car. Once he said this we got into his car and went off to our house.

…

When we finally got to our house Yuzu went straight to her room to find something that would distract her from the funeral, while I got our grandfather a cup of tea. After he finished his tea he left. So I went up to my room started to cut my wrists. Nothing that would kill me but something to take the pain away from my soul.

I cut on both of my wrists a couple of times. I just sat there and left them bleed for a little bit. After I let them bleed a little bit I wrapped my wrists so they could heal and so no one would notice the new cuts. I just sat in my room, I stared at the wall for a little while but I decided that it would be a good idea to try and distract myself until my dad called and/or came home.

I was in the middle of an anime when our father called, I checked the time on my laptop and saw that it was five. He told me that he would pick us up dinner after the funeral had fully ended. He said that he wanted to know how Yuzu was doing and to tell her that he was going to be back around nine.

Soon nine came and went. Yuzu and I were waiting for him to come home with dinner because there was only enough food left for Yuzu to eat. Maybe he planned it that way maybe he didn't I don't know. All I do know is that I had to calm Yuzu down. She was half hysterical that he was half an hour late. I told her that he was probably talking to some old friends because he probably needed someone to talk to. She seemed to calm down after I told her that. I also told her to eat and that I was not hungry anyways. She did as I told her and went in her room to probably distract her mind again and also to get some sleep.

By the time midnight came I was starting to worry. I decided that calling him would be the best idea. I waited for the call to try and go through but it went straight to voice mail. I waited for another hour and decided to try and call again but he did not pick up. I tried to text him to see if he might respond, but that went the same way as calling him did. By this time I was starting to hyperventilate thinking that the worst had happened.

{King calm down your dad is perfectly fine. He is probably with other family members or friends talking to them and trying to get his mind off the fact that his son killed his wife.}

[If you say so Shiro. Thanks but I will still stay up until he comes home.]

{Do what you want king. I am going to sleep now so leave me alone. Goodnight.}

[goodnight.]

After I was done talking to Shiro I decided that I would finish up my summer homework that I had left to do because my first day of school was tomorrow.

…

By the time that I had finished my summer homework it was already three in the morning. I was about to try and call my father yet again, when I heard the front door slam open. I went out of my room to try and ask my father if he was okay, when I saw that he was drunk off of his ass.

"Ichigo get your murder ass over here right now." my father slurred while yelling.

I did not want Yuzu to wake up with all of this yelling so I practically ran over to him so he did not yell anymore and scare Yuzu.

Yes dad. What is it?" I said trying not to stutter as best as I could.

He then walked into my personal space and punched me in my stomach as hard as he could. I ended up bending over on reflex.

"Stand up straight." He yelled yet again.

I stood as straight as I could, I did not want to give him anymore of a reason to be able to yell. As soon as I stood straight he kicked me into the nearest wall. He was soon quick, it was surprising. Even when he was piss-ass drunk he could move that fast. That made him scary, even more then I ever thought that he was.

He walked over to stand over my fallen body.

"You ungrateful son of a bitch. All your mother and I did was love you and you kill her. You stopped me from treating her. You killed her. Did you do it because you hated her, or was it me that you hate?" He asked. I knew not to answer I knew it would make it worse, and after every sentence a punch followed.

There was nothing I could say because I did kill her, and even if I did not hate either of them she was still dead and it was my fault. It amazes me the kindness that he has for me, he is letting he get off with just a beating and not calling the police on me. The least I could I sit here and let him punish me as he sees fit. I did murder my own mother after all.

"You better not tell anyone about this. I don't want anyone to try and give pity to a murder." He said as he started to head upstairs.

By the time he was finished giving me my punishment I had a few broken ribs and a lot of bruises all over me. I used to get into a lot of fights so I know what a broken rib feels like. I also have cover up from those days. I used to use it not to worry my family but now it was so that no one know about the bruises and cuts.

I pick myself up and walk up the stairs with difficulty. As soon as I closed my door I rapped my ribs with old supplies that I had hid in my room. After I was finished I laid down in my bed. After all I had a big day tomorrow, I had my first day of school tomorrow. I could already feel a ball of dread that felt as heavy as lead in my stomach.

**I hoped you liked this chapter. **

**If you like all of my stories please vote on my poll**

**see you next time **


	4. Why

**The school that I am going to describe in this story is based on the one that I went to before I had to move. This school is in America. I did not want to write about what little I knew about Japanese schools and end up getting things wrong. Anyway I hope that you like this story.**

**Updated 6/6/2016**

**Shiro talking {}**

**Ichigo talking to Shiro []**

**Shiro talking in Ichigo's body ()**

**Chapter 4 why**

At seven in the morning I woke up from the alarm I had set from the day before. First thing I did was rush to the bathroom and took a quick shower. After I was done I carefully dried off, and rapped my ribs with the bandages that I used for them last night. I think took the cover up that I hid in the bathroom and put it over the scabbed up cuts on my arms, I also did this with the scars and the bruises that I got last night. I then put a towel around my waist and walked quickly to my room to get dressed for the day. I put on a long sleeved shirt and skinny jeans. If you are wondering why I put cover up on my arms even though I was wearing long sleeves, it was because you always hear about the people who get caught cutting because their sleeve was pulled up just a little bit. I was not going to be found out, plus I did not want anyone to ask about the bruises, and if people asked why I was wearing such warm clothes I could say that I have been cold a lot lately or just that I was depressed. I would have to tell people the second one first after all my mom just died.

I know that there are going to be a lot of people asking what happened to her so I am going to pretend that I am okay with talking about it and that I did not kill her. I had to be strong now, I was always a cry baby but now I will not let my self cry. I am not aloud to anymore, why should someone who killed their own mother be aloud to cry tears of self pity. I had to put up a facade of a strong, almost emotionless person. The only emotion I will allow myself to show is anger.

{That is what I like to hear king. I have your back if your plan does not work and you do start to cry. I will handle your friends but I can't guarantee that they will still be your friends afterwords.}

[Thank you Shiro. You really are kind in your own way. I really appreciate that you are going to be there for me even though she was technically your mother too, and I ended up killing her.]

{If I am not there for you then who is? Besides I don't know what you mean, I am not nice.}

Is what he said you at the last part I was 100% sure that he was blushing and pouting at the same time. He really is just trying to help me even if it is in a twisted way. I guess that you have to look out for each other when you are one of three personalities, you at least learn to care for each other.

{Awe how cute, king cares for me and Zan-Zan}

[Why were you reading my thoughts?]

{Because I can king. I would not do it if it was not for there being nothing for me to do. I literally have no other business to mind other then yours. I can do nothing more than read your thoughts, look through your eyes, and look at the sky. Also before you even ask I can't play with Zan-Zan because he refuses to do so. He is being mean to me kingy.}

I could practical see the pout on his face. He was also whining at the last part.

[I am sorry but I really can't help you, I have not control over Zan-Zan nor for you. Also you can look through my eyes again I am done dressing, and am heading down stairs.]

Me and Shiro had a deal about not looking through my eyes when I was in the shower or getting dressed.

{Good, I was getting so bored looking at the raining sky. You know if this keeps up it is going to flood in here.}

[Yes I know. You tell me this every time I get depressed or sad.]

What happens in my head is where Zan-Zan and Shiro live is a sideways city that is controlled by my emotions that I feel.

As I head down the stairs I heard Yuzu call to me.

"Big brother, Do you know what is wrong with dad he is still upstairs and is not coming down when I call him for breakfast." When Yuzu started to talk about our father I froze and flinched, but it was not enough to be noticeable.

"No. Sorry Yuzu. I am sure that he just spend to long out with the family talking about our mom. I would stay longer but I have to head to school now or I will be late." I said as I started towards the door. I did not look her in the eye the whole time. I hated lieing to her but I did not want here to feel pity for me when she does not know the whole story.

"Okay. I will see you later brother." She said as I closed the door. I did not want her to ask me anymore questions and I did not want her to think of anything else to say. The one thing that I said that was true was that I had to head to school now or I was going to be late.

As I walked up to the school gate I saw a lot of students staring at me, some were whispering and other pointed, but all stared.

I did the first thing that I thought would get them to stop staring, I glared at all of them. This was the first time in my life that I have done this but I seemed to be working. I decided to add this to my facade.

I went right to class and avoided all of my friends. I did not wait for any of them like we usually did at the beginning of every year before hand. It was a good thing that I was in my first year of high school. I could say that I felt we were all to old for that now. I looked around the classroom looking for the seat that name on it that also held my agenda that the school gave every student. It was everything in this school. It was the only way you could got to the bathroom.

I finally found my seat and it was in the back next to a window. Soon the class started to fill up and people were looking at me but did not even come near me other then to check for their names in the seat in front of me and the one next to me. Most did not even give me a second glance but the ones that did got a look the screamed 'don't fucking look at me'.

It worked for everyone expect on person my childhood friend. He kept looking at me and I half wanted to run away and half wanted to drop my act. This was not good. Looking at him I could tell that he was gorgeous. What happened to him over the break? He had his usual and natural blue hair cut short, three pieces fell into his face, he is also taller than me. He was also muscular but not overly so, it was perfect balanced.

{Hey kingy, your starting to drool. I mean he is good looking but come on have you even looked around, everyone is staring at you.}

[Whatever Shiro. They are probably just jealous that he is coming over to the 'gloomy' kid in the class. Besides I don't even find him attractive.]

{Okay whatever you say king, but just so ya know, he is the only person that I am ever going to approve of.}

[What are you talking about Shiro?]

{Never mind. Remind me why god that I have such an oblivious king.}

After he said that he started on a rant about how that if he took over that all of our problems would be solved.

I looked up once more after I was done talking to Shiro, I saw that everyone was either looking at either me or Grimmjow. It was annoying, don't they have business of their own to mind. Shiro at least had an excuse but these people were to nosy for their own good.

I don't even really understand why they were looking at me but I differently could understand why they would be looking at Grimmjow. I mean just last year Grimmjow was a geek in almost every sense of the word, the only thing that was not geek like was that he was amazing at fighting.

"Hey Ichi. Are you okay?" I looked up to see Grimmjow staring at me.

[Shiro what should I do?]

{Let me talk to him king.}

[Okay, thank you Shiro.]

("Hey if it isn't Grimmjow. Oh by the way stop calling me Ichi or I will call you Grimm-kitty, Grimm-kitty.") Shiro said. An easy way to tell he was in control is that my eyes turn gold.

"Oh it's you. What do you want Shiro? Let Ichi talk for himself." Grimmjow said a little bit pissed that he was talking to the wrong person. He was also talking in a whisper so no one could hear what their conversation was about.

("Oh, Ichigo does not want to talk to anyone right now, Grimm-kitty. Also before you ask, no I have not been hurting him again. If you want to know come over to the house after school.") Shiro said. If you were paying attention you could hear a little bit of a pleading tone in his voice.

"Yeah, okay. Just tell Ichigo that I am coming over. Will Ms. Kurosaki be there when we get there?"

("You will just have to see for yourself. Bye bye Grimm-kitty.") Shiro said as he let me take over once again.

"Okay, I am going to find my seat, I will talk to you at the end of the school day." Grimmjow said as he started to leave.

"Ah... yeah sure see you then." I said as he started to walk away, I faked a smile as well just in case he turned around.

The rest of the day just flies by. So before I know it, it was time to go home. Well shit.

**Hi everyone I hope you like this chapter.**

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	5. Stupid

**Hi everyone I hope that you like this chapter :)**

**rewritten 6/7/2016**

**Shiro talking {}**

**Ichigo talk to Shiro []**

**Chapter 5 Stupid**

I packed at the things that I had into my school bag, I was taking as much time as possible. Good thing was that even though it was the first day of school I still had homework. If all else fails I can always tell Grimmjow that I had homework that I had to get done by the next day, the truth was that all of the homework I had was not due until a week from now. The homework was like something you would give to a second grader, it was the ever present 'what did you do for summer, please explain in detail.' I mean do they really think that we are stupid. My mom used to call me her little genius, but now I don't believe it for a second. All I do is mess up, I killed my own mother, I can't keep my sisters from crying, and I can't even pull off a mask of indifference. I really am just a terrible person.

Lost in my thoughts my body moved on it's own, probably from Shiro, and had made it's way out the doors to the parking lot, which is where Grimmjow was waiting.

[I really don't want to talk to Grimmjow. Why, oh why did I have to come to school today, or you know even wake up?]

{Stop your whining king. I know that you do not want to talk to Grimmjow and that you don't want him to see that your mom is gone, but you need to. This will probably help, and believe it or not I do love you no matter how I act. You know tough love and all that.}

[Thanks Shiro. I hate to have to tell him that his mom in everything but blood is dead. I Just want the world to leave me alone.]

{Sorry king but you know that the world just loves to pick on you.}

[Yeah yeah, whatever. I just want Grimmjow to talk to me and get it over with. Especially since life hates me enough to make me have to talk to him in the first place.]

{Well king you better hurry, he sees you and he does not look happy.}

[Your right about that.]

normal pov

Ichigo jogged the rest of the way over to Grimmjow knowing that the other boy did not like to wait for anyone.

Once Grimmjow saw Ichigo starting to jog over to him he picked up his bag so once Ichigo got over to him they could just keep walking. Ichigo came up to Grimmjow with a look of worry clear on his face. Grimmjow wanted to know what was affecting his childhood friend.

Mean while was worrying about a mix of things, one of which was would his father be there and if he was would he be hurting Yuzu, and possibly him in front of Grimmjow. Ichigo did not want Grimmjow to see him in such a weak state. It would take away all of Ichigo's pride, that Ichigo knew he would never be able to recover it. Another was how was Grimmjow going to act after he found out that his adopted mother was dead. How would Grimmjow react to the fact that he had killed their mother. Would he do the same as his father and beat the shit out of him or would he spread it around the school and wait for everyone else to beat the shit out of him. Ichigo knew that no matter what after today they would no longer have a friendship, but that was for the best wasn't it? After all he could do nothing right and everyone that got close to him ended up getting hurt. After all no one needs a murder in there life, always looking over their shoulder and wondering if they were going to be killed next.

A realization came to Ichigo, so what if the beating hurt that his father had given him, he deserved them and everything that happened to him from this moment in time.

At this moment in time Shiro heard those thought and felt dread settle in his stomach, this certainly was not the path that he was trying to lead Ichigo onto. All he wanted was for Ichigo not to die but Shiro knew that it was only a matter of time before he was dead on the inside. There was only one other person that could help but Shiro was afraid of what they would do once Ichigo said his piece. {I will do anything for my King.}

Ichigo's pov

I knew one thing that I had to do drive away all of my old friends. It did not matter how sad this was going to make me. It had to happen. It was the best for everyone that he be alone, he just felt bad for Shiro and Zan-Zan for being stuck with him for the rest of his life. Plus it did not matter if they ever found out they would abandon him anyways, they won't care what happens to a murder. I don't even what to tell Grimmjow but I killed his mother figure. He should be allowed to kill me but for a murder like me death is just to good for me. I deserve to be made to live with the guilt for the rest of my life.

Before I had even realized it we were at my house, I hate being to lost in my thoughts. I open the door and shrink back a little at the sight of the broken mirror that was in the hallway, it must have been broken last night, probably from the door slamming shut so hard.

"Come on Grimmjow, lets go to my room." I said begging that when we first entered he did not ask where my mom was. I just want to savor the last little bit of our friendship.

Lucky for me he did not, and for that I was very thankful. I did not want to tell him until we were upstairs and we were both sitting down. He probably thinks that she was still at work or working on a project at a friends house. Before my mom died she would sometimes go over to some of her friends houses to make projects for either your house or for other people.

Just thinking about her makes me want to grab my razor blade and shred my arms into unrecognizable pieces of meat hanging off my bones. I can't do that because I would bleed out then I would die and I don't deserve death, so I will settle for cutting until I get dizzy.

Me and Grimmjow walked up the stairs and went into my room. When we opened the door you could see a little bit of blood on the floor, probably from last night.

'Shit I forgot to clean the floor last night. I hope he did not notice the blood.'

But apparently my luck had run out on me, I knew this as soon as he turned to look at me as quickly as he could. Grimmjow knew that back in middle school I had gotten into fights and gotten beat up pretty bad, but every single time they were at least twice as bad as me. Grimmjow probably figured out that something was wrong because while the school was huge no one had shown up to school bruised.

"Ichigo what happened?" He asked as he pulled my shirt over my head. Apparently I did not put on the waterproof cover up and I had sweat it all off.

Grimmjow's pov

I knew that Ichigo was acting strange but this takes the cake. He was skin and bones, was covered in purple bruises, it looked like his ribs were rapped, and when I saw his arms I wanted to cry and scream. There were a lot of scars and a lot of them did not even look three months old and there were a bunch that looked almost brand new and there were ones that looked like they were ready to bleed at any given moment, there were a few that were indeed bleeding. I was looking at the cuts and soon came to the realization that I was crying. Why would he suddenly do this.

"Ichigo what is going on? You look like you are on death's door. You started to cut again. Why? Please answer me." I said in a begging tone. I just wanted to know what was going threw his head, was it Shiro or was it something else.

I looked at him only for him to turn his eyes away every time I looked into his eyes to try and get an answer from him. The weird thing was that he looked confused but busy too. Then it hit me, he thought that I hated him and was talking to Shiro. Poor Ichigo he did not know that I could never hate him, no matter what. I love him way to much. Please Ichigo I just want to know what was happening and what was wrong. I know that he has only a little bit of confidence. He might be able to fool others into thinking that he was okay but he could never deceive one of the people that truly loves him, me.

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	6. Promise

**Hey everyone hope you are happy if you read all my stories because I have been updating like crazy. I am so stiff. I wrote like 5 chapter in 2 days. I need sleep. I hope that you like this chapter.**

**Chapter 6 Promise**

I look at Grimmjow why was he crying?

_Because he cares about you._

_**Why**_

_who knows._

I look over at Grimmjow while I try to hide my body from him. He probably thinks that someone beat me up.

_Because someone did, just because he is your father does not mean that he did not beat you up. It is the same thing except he is beating up what he should be protecting. That is a fathers job in the world along with a mothers._

_**I guess you are right Shiro**_

_you know that I am_

I look over at Grimmjow and I know that he is looking at my body. My nasty bruised and from my arms bloody body. I know that it is bad but I just want him to stop looking at me. I know that I look nasty but I don't want it to be made into a big deal, but I know that that is not going to happen. I know that he is going to either laugh or make a huge deal and demand that I tell him about who beat me up and why I was starving myself along with cutting. Before I knew it I was starting to get black dots in the line of my vision. I tried to fight them off but the longer that I fought the harder it got for me to fight them off and before I knew it I was starting to black out. I should have known that it would be impossible for me to fight off those stupid black dots.

The last thing I heard were Grimmjow's calls asking if I was OK before I black out.

**Grimmjow's pov**

I was looking around the room for more bandages so that I could re wrap his arms in the bandages so they would not get infected. Before I could I saw from the corner of my vision that Ichigo was starting to sway back and forth. I tried to ask him what was wrong but he started to fall and I knew that he had blacked out. I could tell that his body could not make the blood that it needed because Ichigo was not eating so his body could not get the nutrition that it need to function let alone produce a lot more blood.

I acted as fast as I could and picked him up bridal style and run like hell was on my heels to the hospital. I was not really thinking that it might have been faster to get into a car. I ran and ran and ran. I ran as fast as I could I did not think anything other then: I need to get Ichigo to the hospital as soon as possible.

I finally got there and I told the person at the front desk about how he black out and that I found out that he was beat up cutting his arms and that he was starving himself. I told them that I was going to ask him why he was do the last two that I had told them about when from the corner of my eyes I saw that he was starting to swat back and forth. I also told them that I had caught him and brought him here.

When I was done telling them all that stuff they took him out of my arms and took him back to a room. They told me it would be OK for me to came back into the room so that I could watch him and that when he woke up he would not freak out when he saw that he was in a different place but at least there would be someone that he knew.

I was glad that they let me into the room with him and that I did not have to lie that I was his brother or boyfriend again like the last time that I had to carry him to the hospital, not that I mind being called his boyfriend. I knew I should have been talking to him during all of summer. I should have stayed and not gone to summer camp. I knew that I should have stayed and protected Ichigo. I knew that I should not have visited my uncle. I knew that even though I have not seen him I should have stayed.

Before I knew what I was doing I was crying I knew that it truly not my fault but I cant help it. I cant help but blame myself. I just feel so useless. I hate myself at the moment, I know that it is stupid. I know that I should not blame myself. I know who I should blame. It should be the person that is in the bed right next to me.

I knew that I was starting to get more and more pissed at Ichigo by the minute. It is really making me angry. He promised me that he would stop cutting. It looked like he just started up again. Also with the starving himself. That is concerning he has never done that before. Never has he stopped eating for a long time. I knew that he had stopped eating for at least a week and a half. It scares me to think that he is not telling me anything. He looked at me like I was going to hit him when he saw that I had seen that he started to cut again. What is going on with him.

" What is going on with you Ichigo. Please stop making me worry so much. You are scaring me so much. I knew that you used to cut but then I see that you are starving yourself. What is happening? Please just tell me" I said as I started to break down into tears I knew that I had to do something that would get him to tell me what was going on in his life. I needed to know. I need to know.

"Grimm, promise you wont hate me if I tell you." Ichigo said in a weak voice and one that sounded like he was going to cry at any moment. I knew that I had to make that promise.

"Sure Ichi I promise." I promised him I knew that that was something that was going to help him.

I am going to listen to him and make sure that he is OK and that he will never be alone for the rest of his life.

**Ichigo pov**

I woke up to hearing Grimmjow crying. I look over to him and I see that he did not notice that I was awake. I was about to ask him what was wrong before I could get the words to form on my sluggish and heavy tongue and mouth, he had said the answer to the question I was about to ask him. I knew that I was going to have to tell him but I had to make him promise me that he would not hate me. Why would I tell him if he was just going to hate me for it. I don't want anything to go wrong in our friendship. I even have a little bit of a crush on him but I knew that I was never going to tell him about it because it would ruin our friendship. As we were right now we were skating in the middle of a thin iced pond. One wrong movement and it would break. I knew that I would have to tell him about my mom. I would have to tell him that I was so depressed that I had started to cut and starve myself. I cant help it.

I look over at him and he make his promise. I hope that he did not hate me after this.

Please don't leave me


	7. loveless

**Hey everyone here is another chapter I hope that you like it. I bet that if you read all my stories you are happy because I am writing like crazy. Anyway enjoy the chapter**

**Chapter 7 Loveless**

Please don't leave me. That is all I want from Grimmjow at the moment. I just want him to be there for me.

I look over to Grimmjow and I knew that from the look on his face that I needed to tell him right away but I knew that something was going to go wrong. I just had the horrible feeling in my gut. Some would say it was because I have be starving but I knew it was a bad feeling, they feel totally different.

"Before school started my mom died, and I killed her. I felt bad about it because I saw my dad and sister about how bad it affected them and I started cutting. I forgot how good it felt. All the stress goes away. I am starving myself because I only eat just enough to survive. I don't want to make anymore trouble for my dad then is necessary. I know that you want to know about why I am all bruised up and that is because I fell down the stairs this morning on the way to school." I was not going to tell him about my father beating me. It was embarrassing enough to know that he can beat me up like I am a sheet of paper. I only told him what I had to. I look over to his face and I see something I knew was going to happen. His face was twisted into a look of rage and I knew that it was pointed at me.

I knew he was going to hate me. I just sit there and pretend to have no emotions to this. I don't want him to think that I am a weakling on top of a murder.

I knew that I was going to get hit so I waited for it. I closed my eyes and waited. I heard the chair move on the ground and I brace myself for the hit but when it does not come I look up and see that on his face was hurt. He was hurt that I thought that he was going to hit me. I don't know what is going on in that head on his. He needs to make up his mind. Is he going to be an understanding person or is he going to be a mean cold-hearted person like he was in middle school before we became friends. I just want to know what is going on. Please someone just tell me.

Then I heard the door open and I thought that Grimmjow had had enough of me, but when I look up I see my father. He looks at me with cold, mean, calculating eyes that are making me want to cry right then and there. I knew that when he told me out of the hospital I was going to be beaten within an inch of my life. I could see it in his eyes. I knew that he would still make me go to school and that he would make me act like nothing happened around my sister. Not like I would tell her that her big strong brother is really an emotional along with a physical weakling that cant do anything right. And while I am at it I might as well rip her heart out and eat it by telling her that I kill our mother. Ya because I want to be thrown on the streets were no one would even take a second look at me. I knew that this was the life that I was sentenced to if I did these things. Just like I was sentenced to live in that house until Yuzu is at least old enough to move out. I knew that it was going to be a long while but at least I would be able to protect her. I did not want her to go through the same thing that I am. I know that I should be more grateful that my father will let me stay in his house. I knew that that was something that would be my birthday presents for the whole time that I am going to live with my father. I knew that it was going to have to happen like this.

"Hello father. Thank you for caring for me. I am sorry to trouble you. I did not mean to pass out I will make sure to eat more and get more sleep in the future." I look over to him and I knew that that was not what he wanted me to do. He nodded anyway, I think it is because Grimmjow is still in the room.

I look over to him and I see that he is at a total lost for words. He knew that I never call my father, father before, at least in his presence. I knew that he was going to start figuring things out. I knew that my father knew as well because he looked at me with a look in his eyes that said get him out and never see him again. I knew that if I did not I was probably going to be beaten to death and I was not going to let my sister see that, plus I was not going to have her go through the same thing.

I look over to Grimmjow one last time and say " Get out. It is not like you were my friend in the first place. You are just a useless piece of trash, that i do not want to carry anymore. I do not want to talk to you again. Also tell those idiots that I called friends that I never want to see them again. If I do there will be consequences. I don't want anyone to come near me." As I said these words they broke my heart. It is then that I realize a few things. 1) I am a push over, 2) my father is trying to break me, and is succeeding, and 3) I am loveless.

**Ok so what did you thin about this chapter. I think that I am a little depressed so here is another chapter of the story I write when I am depressed. **

**Please tell me what you think.**

**Also what do you guys think if I post a story of d. grey man**

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	8. Three years later

**Here is the next chapter. In this chapter keep in mind that this is a time skip to where now Ichigo is in his final year in high school. So now he has not talked to anyone for three years.**

**Ok now that you know that on with the chapter**

**Chapter 8 **

**Three years later**

Ichigo Kurosaki is now walking up to the only place that he gets peace in his live, school. Most teens would hate the face that they had to go to school but Ichigo was different he did not care that he had to take classes and listen to the lectures that never seemed to end. At least here at the school nothing unpredictable happened. Here is the only place that Ichigo know what was going to happen. If he broke a rule he got detention. If he walked into the Cafe then he would see that his table that he sat at alone, was there waiting for him with no one to bother him. Ichigo knew that he should not have listened to his father three years ago but Ichigo is truly afraid of the man. He seems like he would not be that strong considering that he got home late every night along with being drunk. Ichigo knew that his father was feeding he less and less.

Ichigo was now not aloud to eat without his father's permission, unless it was here at school. He was to act like a normal loner emo/goth teen. He was to eat at school. Every time Ichigo was to change for gym he was to where long sleeves with sweatpants, even if they were running outside in the hot sun in the hottest day. Ichigo was also to get perfect grades. If he didn't there were consequences.

Every time Ichigo did something wrong he got beat for it. Every time without fail, and the beating just got worse and worse. Ichigo slept but it was more of a snooze. He knew that if he was to fall asleep there was no telling what his father was going to do to him.

Ichigo was at school today with a cast on his arm. Ichigo's arm was broken by his father last night he had snapped the bone in half.

Ichigo's bones are frail from years of not getting enough for his body. Honestly Ichigo could past for a girl, if you did not see beneath his clothes though. Ichigo was smaller then most boys and he was skinny with a soft face. Now if you looked under his shirt he looks like he is only skin and bone, he is pretty close to it though.

Ichigo knew what people were going to think, but he did not care. Honestly this is the first time that his father has snapped a bone on him during the school year. When it was summer break he has not cared and snapped them all he wanted, but now that he had school, Ichigo begged his father to put his arm in a cast and not let him go to school like this. Ichigo knew that once he brought up school his father would put him in a cast, and he did, but after he did he beat Ichigo up more and more because Ichigo was not listening to him. This happened all the time. All Ichigo did this time was sneeze.

It might seems silly that he would beat Ichigo up for just this reason but Isshin hates Ichigo with all of his being. Ichigo is the one who killed Misaki. Ichigo who killed his own mother. Ichigo the boy who stopped him from helping her. Isshin was getting to the point that he wanted to murder Ichigo himself, but he did not want to hurt his beautiful Yuzu. Who was looking more and more like Misaki. Isshin knew that she was not, but he was proud of her. She knew that her brother killed her mother yet she still talked to that monster. She still made food for that monster.

It pissed Isshin that his baby girl had to deal with that monstrous murder. Honestly only a monster could kill their own mother. At least Ichigo knew not to drag his friends with him. Especially Grimmjow, here was a lot of promise in that boy, Isshin knew it, but he also knew that if he was around Ichigo he would loose that promise. Because everything Ichigo was and did was to destroy things that others need. Ichigo was just a monster.

Isshin is trying to starve the monster so he will die by a gang trying to fight him. The only thing is that Ichigo decided to use black hair die about a year ago and now he does this a lot so know one will target him. Isshin will give the monster one thing and that was that he was crafty.

Ichigo came home that day and went to the bathroom that was in his room. He was going to touch up on his hair dye, with was starting to fade and the roots were coming in. Ichigo looked in the mirror in the bathroom and saw himself for the first time in at least a year. He refused to look in the mirror afraid to see what he truly looked like.

Honestly it was not the best for Ichigo to see his black bags under his eyes. Ichigo removed the makeup that he used to cover up all the things that he did not want others to see. Ichigo was so good at using makeup by now that he did not need a mirror. Ichigo saw that his eyes looked lifeless, that his skin was now pale, when it used to be tanish. Ichigo also sees his long hair that now reached his waist. Ichigo stopped cutting it. The only draw back is that everyone thinks that he looks even more like a girl then before. Ichigo knew that he needed to stop looking in the mirror or he would start to cry again. All Ichigo feels like doing it killing himself. He knew that he was a monster as his father calls him at times he beats Ichigo up. There are other things that Ichigo knows and that is that his father is trying to kill him. Not by his hands, no by a gangs hands. That is why he dyed his hair black, to blend in with everyone. That did not work to more because he always wore black winter clothes in the summer.

Ichigo knew that he was loveless and that was the only thing other then the fact that Ichigo was a murder that had not changed in these three long years.

**Ok so what did you think. There were parts in here I almost cried while writing this.**

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	9. Grimmjow Help

**Here is another chapter of this story. I honestly have no clue of how long I am going to make this fanfic. I honestly could make this story go on forever if I really wanted to but I am not going to do that. I think I have an idea for an ending but when said ending is going to happen I am clueless. Hope you like this chapter.**

**Chapter 9 Grimmjow help**

Grimmjow has changed in the three years without Ichigo to remind him that he was human. No one ever thought that he was human. He had blue hair, and he was super strong.

Grimmjow know that he was not mentally strong. He knew that when it came to Ichigo he was weak. Ichigo was the only one that was not scared of him and did not make fun of him for his unnatural looking blue hair. He was not the only one that Ichigo befriended with strange hair. Their was also his nonidentical twin Nel. She had green hair that looked like grass. Grimmjow and her were picked on, Nel mostly because she talked funny, but Ichigo said that it was cute. Ichigo was a good person.

At first Grimmjow thought that this was all a prank and that Ichigo did not really want to be his friend, but then he paid attention to Ichigo. He saw that Ichigo was picked on by everyone else. Grimmjow also found out that no matter what Ichigo was an emotional person. He would cry when he was picked on, he would show how happy he was with an impossibly wide grin on his face when he was with Nel and Grimmjow. Grimmjow knew that someone would not be able to fake that kind of grin. It was to real. Grimmjow always admired Ichigo because he was the one that brought out Grimmjow from his shell.

Grimmjow and Nel's mom had died a few months after they had all became friends. Ichigo did something that he never thought that he would do. He offered to share his with them. He was the only person Grimmjow would ever think would do that for another. Grimmjow will always remember that day.

When Ichigo had said those things to him three years ago Grimmjow was so sad that he did not want to think about it. He was sad but angry. Then there was something off with Ichigo's dad. As soon as Ichigo saw him he started to act weirder then he was before. He looked fearful of his father. He looked over to his father while he was telling Grimmjow all that stuff.

Grimmjow felt stupid that he did not see it before. It only took him three years to see the signs that he was being abused by his father.

Grimmjow had his pride so he was upset that Ichigo kept things from him and then he was also cutting himself not eating and then he starts to say things that are ridiculous, like that he killed his own mother.

At first Grimmjow admits that he believed Ichigo, but then about a year later Grimmjow started to think randomly one day about how Ichigo reacted around his mother, there was just no way that Ichigo would murder his own mother. Grimmjow tried to talk to Ichigo one day but he was met with a punch to the face that did not have any heat to it. Grimmjow could tell that something was wrong with Ichigo, but Grimmjow had his damn pride that would not let him talk to anyone about the fact that Ichigo was probably hurting himself from not eating and needed to go the hospital because he was malnourished. Grimmjow did not tell anyone that he had tried to talk to Ichigo and that Ichigo was starting to get weak. Another year had passed and he saw that Ichigo had died his hair, something that Ichigo said that he would never do. He once told Grimmjow that his hair was his pride, his mom loved his hair. He told him that even when his mom was sad she only had to look at his or Grimmjow's hair and she said that her day was made better.

Grimmjow walked up to Ichigo yet again but this time he tried to say that he was worried, but when he did we was met with a glare that said back off. Grimmjow walked off yet again.

This year Grimmjow was going to say something to him. As Grimmjow walked into his classroom for the year he looked around and saw that Ichigo was in his class, and he sat right next to Ichigo.

As the teacher came into the room Grimmjow saw that Ichigo was in a cast and that Ichigo was not looking to good. He looked like he was going to black out any minute. Before the cyan haired student could even raise his hand Ichigo did pass out. The boy dropped from his desk onto the floor. Grimmjow told his teacher that he was taking the orange haired student to the nurses office and that he would come back when Ichigo did. Grimmjow did not care if the teacher told him that he could not just stay with him. Grimmjow knew that he had to, Ichigo was Grimmjow's friend even if Ichigo did not want to admit it.

To Grimmjow this was just a wake up call that Ichigo needed his help even if Ichigo did not want to admit it.

**Ok so here is the next chapter. I hope that you liked it. I cant sleep O.O so here I am writing fanfiction. **

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	10. Pride tears you apart

**Here is another chapter I hope that you like it. Sorry I am not updating my stories as often as I should but I am really depressed right now plus there is school so that is how it is. I might update this one more for the simple fact that I am depressed. So sorry about that. Anyway on with the story.**

**Chapter 10 **

**Pride tears you apart.**

Ichigo woke up in the nurses office, his vision was not working but it was slowly coming back from being a blurry mess of colors. He did not know who put him there, but he was concerned that the person felt that he was underweight for a person his size and age. Ichigo knew that he did not want to answer any questions. He just wanted to be left alone. He did not knew anyone bargaining into his life and trying to make it better, but for them to make it worse in return.

Ichigo's vision finally cleared to see that he was in the nurses office like he thought but there was someone he never thought that he would see, Grimmjow. Ichigo did not know why Grimmjow was there, and it made him nervous.

Ichigo did not want his crush to see him as a shell of what he once was. It made Ichigo angry, but not at Grimmjow, no it was at himself.

Ichigo did not want Grimmjow to ever see him like this, he just wanted him to slowly forget about Ichigo. Ichigo did not want anyone of his friend to remember him, he did not want anyone to look at him. It made him upset.

Grimmjow was coming back from getting a drink. Grimmjow was concerned, it was now lunch, aka Ichigo had been out for like four hours. Grimmjow was starting to get scared that Ichigo was not going to wake up.

Grimmjow finally got into the room and he saw that Ichigo was starting to wake up so he sat down next to him. Ichigo looked at Grimmjow and he looked like was freaking out a little bit.

Grimmjow had been cussing himself all morning, he saw that Ichigo's face was starting to sink in, When he was lifting Ichigo to bring him to the nurse he felt that Ichigo was very light, he was way to light.

Grimmjow knew that Ichigo did not have the money to move out yet, plus he was not eighteen yet. Grimmjow knew that both him and Ichigo would not be eight teen until after the school year is over. That did not help Grimmjow much. He knew that he was going to have to get Ichigo out of that home.

Grimmjow did not want to do it but he was going to have to.

Grimmjow knew that Nel would be happy if she got to see Ichigo be himself again. He knew that he was going to make that call, but he was going to have to wait until after school was over. At least it was not that far away.

Ichigo looked over to Grimmjow after he calmed down again, and put on his mask.

"Grimmjow, thank you for carrying me to the nurses office. I am sorry to make you do should a thing for someone like me. I could not fall asleep last night and I am afraid that I passed out. Sorry about that. I will be more careful next time so it does not happen again." Ichigo said in a voice with no emotion. Grimmjow was upset that Ichigo did not show his emotions to him anymore, but he should have known. Even so Grimmjow knew that he was going to help Ichigo even if it killed him.

Ichigo tried to get out of the bed that he was on but when he did he started to fall, lucky for him Grimmjow caught him. Ichigo started to blushed, he could not believe that he had his head in Grimmjow's chest right now. Ichigo took a breath and he started to shiver. Ichigo could not believe how good Grimmjow smelled.

Ichigo pulled back and sat back down on the bed, he knew that for one his long hair was a mess. Two that he must have freaked Grimmjow out by sniffing him and then shivering. Ichigo still could not get rid of his red face.

When Ichigo looked up he saw Grimmjow coming over to him. Ichigo was wondering if he was going to hit him, or if he was going to yell at him. Instead he saw a look of concern. Grimmjow made Ichigo lay back on the bed, he then put his hand onto Ichigo's forehead to see if he had a fever. Chicago knew that he was only blushing, but Grimmjow thought that he had a fever. To him it was very likely between the fact that Ichigo was red and that he was shivering every time Grimmjow got close to him. To Grimmjow it was not even remotely possible that Ichigo would be in love with him. It was Ichigo who said those things to Grimmjow years ago.

Ichigo shivered even more when Grimmjow got even closer to put his forehead to check his temperature easier, because he could not quite tell from his hand.

Grimmjow pulled away from Ichigo and saw that Ichigo would not look him in the eye. Ichigo was trying to find something other then Grimmjow to look at. He did not want to think about Grimmjow being so close to him. If he did then he would remember the soft looking lips that he has been wanting to kiss for years. He had to stop thinking about those lips before this turned into more sexual thought. Though it was to late.

Ichigo can just think about those lips trailing down his neck, to his chest.

Before Ichigo could think of anything else he was knocked out of it when it curtain was pulled back by the school nurse.

She looked at Ichigo and then to Grimmjow before she blushed. Ichigo knew that they had gotten the wrong idea about what was going on. Ichigo could only imagine his face.

Thinking about how he looked only made him blush more. Ichigo looked up when Grimmjow looked over to where the nurse was. He had his back to her when she had opened the curtain. He finally looked up at her and he seemed to realized what she thought that they were doing behind the closed curtain.

Grimmjow stood up and went to the other side of the room.

Ichigo realized that Grimmjow did not want anyone to even think that he cared for someone like Ichigo. The weak murder, but why should he think other wise. Everyone blamed him, hated him, and wanted him dead. Ichigo did not even know why he even tried to live half the time. Shiro was right there to remind him that it was because he was a murder and that he did not deserve to live.

What Ichigo did not know was that the reason Shiro told him all these things was because he did not want Ichigo to die. Shiro did not care that if Ichigo died then that means that he would too, no it was the fact that he did not want Ichigo to die. Shiro also knew that he was going to have to wait for Grimmjow to man up and make Ichigo realize that there are reasons to life, other then the lies that Shiro had to tell him daily. He just hoped that Grimmjow did it soon or Ichigo would not have a choice if he died or not.

**Ok so what did you guys think. I decided that I would give you guys a little taste of grimmichi. I hope that you liked it. I am happy that I made this chapter longer then normal.  
Please tell me what you think.**

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**see you next time.**


	11. The Plan

**New chapter! I hope that you like it. I just write when I finally got more ideas and now I have at least a couple chapters. I hope that you are happy about this. **

**Chapter 11 The Plan **

I knew that in order to save Ichigo, he was going to have to keep him alive until his Birthday in July. I knew that it was not going to be easy. I also knew that the hardest time were going to be during the breaks.

In order to fix that I was going to have to get his trust again. I knew that it was going to take a while but I had until Thanksgiving Break that was in November. I knew that it was a pretty long break, other schools only had a couple days plus the weekend, but in my school we had a week plus weekends.

I had to start soon. I knew that first thing I needed to do was get him to eat at lunch at least while he was at school. That should help with his fainting. Even if it was just one meal for now that was better then nothing. Who knew what, and how much Isshin lets him eat at home, if he does get to eat. Just the thought of Ichigo not being allowed to eat even if it is just a little bit makes my heart sink.

There was also the fact that Ichigo is getting beat up a lot. Maybe that is why he has dyed it. It looks OK on him but it does not look right. I think he looks better with the bright orange hair that seemed like it will blind you if you look at it to long. At least I got to see his roots that it shows it coming in as that beautiful shade of orange that nicely compliments my own crazy shade of cyan hair.

I look at Ichigo once again and I realized that he wants to go back to class and pretend that nothing happened. I knew that no one would care very much except Nel and me. The others thought that Ichigo abandoned them of his own choosing. I knew that Ichigo was a great friend to them. He might not have known them as long as he does me but I knew that he thought that maybe, just maybe they were his true friends and could tell if he was acting weird. That is not the way it turned out.

This was not a story that could be fixed with me confessing my feelings to Ichigo and him telling me that he was in love with me since that day at the park. After that we kiss passionately and then the nurse ends up calling the cops and telling them of Ichigo looks underweight and that in recent years he has changed, along with him yelling off the roof tops that he was never going to dye his hair to where he freaks out if someone says that they can see his roots. The cops then go to his house and arrest his father and they let Grimmjow's family adopt both Ichigo and his little sister. After that Ichigo and me live in a apartment while we go to college and we got good jobs and never fought. We adopted and had a little girl and lived the rest of our lives without trouble.

I knew that this would never happen. This was never a story and it never will be. If it is to good to be true then that means that it is. Nothing will ever go as smoothly as it does in a story. If only this was a story, I would make Ichigo never have to go through the fact that his mom had died, or that he blames himself. If this was a story I would make sure that he was never hurt. I would make sure that he never had to deal with the fear for his life that he feels deep in him. He would never have to deal with the friend betraying the trust he had for them. He would have a twin instead of a split personality. We would be happy together, or he would be with who ever his heart wants. As long as he was happy I would not care. If this was a story I would write it to were he got everything he needed and even truly wanted in life. I would make sure that he could be himself and not the hollow shell that he is now. If only it was a story, that is what I keep telling myself and I know that I will for a long time to come, until I can get him safe. It is the only thing that I will be thinking about all the time.

If only it was a story.

I just want Ichigo to be happy, I want him to be safe.

I want _**My**_ Ichigo back to the way he was in middle school. I still love him, but I want him to be more then this shell. I just want him to go back to being a blinding light that everyone looked at as he walked down the hallway. Everyone could not help but to look at him as he pasted you in the hallway.

Now that I think about it, it might be a good idea to talk to his other old friends and see why they did not try to help Ichigo in a time that he really needed it.

I might have been over reacting a little bit earlier, plus I think Ichigo will be happy if his old friends were just thinking that maybe because his mom died they thought that he needed his space. This is very likely as well.

I look over to see that Ichigo must have fallen asleep while I was to far in my thoughts. I can tell that he is in pain. Even in his sleep he has his eyebrows in a squint showing the pain that he was in, I knew that it was a squint and not a scowl because I have known him for such a long time.

I can't tell if his pain is because of a nightmare or a because the pain is showing up even in sleep, but either way I knew that I was going to have to think about a way to get him to trust and relay on me.

Even if it took months I will make sure that he does not get hurt again.

I lean over and write my name on his cast, it was stark white. I wrote my phone number on it as well. I put a note that says " Call me for anything. Anything at all. It will not be a bother just call me, maybe we could be friends again. - Love Grimmjow"

I look it over and I realize that it kind of seems like a girl wrote it because of the love Grimmjow part, but it was true.

Just thinking about how I put love Grimmjow instead of just Grimmjow I started to blush.

I look down and I saw that Ichigo was looking at me.

Oh no, how long has he been awake?

**Ok everyone I hope that you liked this chapter. I finally got an idea. Anyway I hope that I will be posting more chapters today.**

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**Please review to tell me what you thought of this story. **

**See you next time**


	12. AN

**Hi everyone I just wanted to tell you that I am not going to abandon this story I am rewriting it. It is taking me so long because I an never well for very long and most of the time when I am sick my head not clear enough to try and write and for that I am sorry. This story will be getting new chapters as soon as I am fished with the re write.**

**~YaoiloverXD**


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